BACK TO BACK Volleyball Championships.. rooting for #ADMU @rexintal #marckespejo and #alyssavaldez 👍👍
#Ateneo #OneBigFight #Puso
#2NE1 released their latest MVs yesterday.. and in less than 24 hrs, #ComeBackHome and #HAPPY both have 1M+ views! DAEBAK!! #blackjacks are legendary! 😁👍✌👌🎉
finally listened to #2NE1 #CRUSH full album!! DAEBAK!! awesome mix!! PH #blackjacks represent!! ❤❤❤
college junior year, i discovered how frustrated a photographer i am .. but i take decent pics, juz so y’know 😁 #throwbackthursday
(© @turnthepaigenique )
this book struck me really hard.. must read 👍👍 #firstphonecallfromheaven by #mitchalbom
lookin’ good boys 😁😍😘👍👍
#WINNER #yg #taehyun #seunghoon #seungyoon #minho #jinwoo #aces
This has nothing to do with you.
It is happening all at once,
All the lingering thoughts in me,
Those moments of daydreaming,
The times I catch myself smiling,
When I catch that genial scent
that is only worn by no one but you,
As I hear the heartiness of your laugh,
Seeing your brows closely knit
as you concentrate on an idea,
Your brilliant opinions, your sarcasm,
That off humor of yours,
The feel of your fingertips as it traces
every bit and inch of my very soul,
The taste of your lips take me
To a place that even angels fear to tread,
Your eyes, so dark it’s almost black
As it looks into me, I could only melt
Everything I feel, all pure emotions,
Ever so fleeting, yet so surreal,
It’s all just me, fabricated in my head,
Maybe a little bit engineered by my heart,
But this has nothing to do with you.
You know what’s the saddest thing about being so caught up in your own thoughts of insecurity and self-doubt? You fail to realize that IT’S ALL IN YOUR HEAD, and you tend to start believing in it. I should know, I already am doubting about what I can do and what I can’t.
Honestly, I was not like this way way back. I was the overconfident bitch, too sure of herself, me-against-all-odds kind of vibe. I always believed that I could do anything and get away with it. I knew that I was gifted enough to be able to undertake anything, and still be recognized and praised for it. I was surrounded with my circle of equally smug and narcissistic airheads, but don’t get me wrong, they’re a good crowd, but hella fun. People around me always told me that I’d make it big, that they’ve always seen me as an inspiration to be better because I make it all seem so easy. But heck, that was high school.. and things change y’know.
College was a whole different world. I had to start from scratch. Gone were the people who always had my back and told me pretty words and reassurances. I had nothing, no one, but my own smug self. So I started freshman year as a nobody, assumed the image of a quiet and aloof girl at the back of the room, absorbed in her own little space, just trying to pass the day by. But then, you can’t keep hiding behind the mask for too long. I started to get recognized coz I got pretty decent marks and people saw me as the class nerd, and well I had to admit that I hated to been seen that way. Hell, I was never a nerd, I don’t even have routinary study habits, all I do is listen in class, take down notes, and well.. cram.
People came to me and asked me stuff, and I had that fleeting feeling of self-pride because people saw me as someone that they can depend on or ask on about certain stuff that they had difficulty on or just questions out of confusion. I liked the feeling, really. It’s not like I’m bragging about this to y’all, okay. I guess it’s safe to say that I had shed off my bitchy skin and learned to be humble enough about it, and well, I also started to believe what those people back in high school told me, that I was really something and I’m not ordinary, that I can be someone big. ‘Course, I tried to live up to it.
I continued to awe people around me till graduation came, and the review sessions started. I aced exams, I got pretty high grades, and even people that don’t know me personally think of me as a motivation of sorts. To be honest, I don’t know how I did it, I just sat there, listened, took down notes, sat on the examination table and scribbled out the answers (what I think is right of course). I was not “naning”, but I read a lot. Why? I wanted to ace the boards, coz thru that, I could somehow solidify those heaps of reassurances. I BELIEVED I COULD BE SOMETHING BIG… I SHED TEARS TO BE SOMETHING BIG… but then I didn’t.
Yeah, I didn’t top the boards. Funny eh?! My guess is that my self-esteem was crushed from that moment onwards. That glory from the good old days faded to nothingness coz I achieved nothing. I passed the boards, yes. I JUST PASSED. Okay this might sound so arrogant, but I WANTED IT SO BAD. I WANTED TO PROVE SOMETHING. But I wasn’t able to. Even if people told me that it’s okay, it’s just rankings and stuff, I DIDN’T CARE coz I wanted it and I THOUGHT, REALLY THOUGHT I COULD NAIL IT. Too much dreaming, too much hoping, too much of my self-pride and esteem… all gone to waste.
Now, when I think about doing something big or even trying something as minute as learning to drive, all I could think about is how I failed to achieve what I thought I could achieve. I am beating myself too much, I’m aware of that, but could anyone blame me for feeling so shitty about this until now? This’ll probably stay with me forever. I know this will hamper my will to try and set a goal for myself, but I don’t know if I can’t still do it, coz I’m too much of a pussy to fail yet again. My mistakes, big and small, became soldered so deep into my ego that I have lost all that smugness and confidence. I’m nothing but a piece of shitty insecurity. I lost something when I didn’t top the boards: LOVE OF SELF.
I don’t look so trashy outside coz my mask is up, and I NEVER let anyone see me as who I really am. When they’ll see how miserable I am, they’ll probably throw up and leave me behind. Ooops, another injury to my comatosed ego. And you know what the worst part is?! I can’t admit this to anyone, not even my closest friends, coz I’m to proud to admit my weakness, my flaws, my crappiness.
That’s why I’m writing this. But whatever, nobody dares to read a REAAAAALYYY LOOOOONG post.